Rabbit holes and guns.

Dear Chasey,

so much has happened that I fear I have to write a novel here. I’ll try to keep it short, there isn’t much time left anyways.

Last time I talked to you, I told you about the pics they took of this politician guy. Well, we met with a representative of his opponent — by “we”, I mean Shaun and myself. Shaun almost managed to give all of it away for free, but we got them to agree to paying us 100000 $. Which is..nice.

Just as I was starting to ask for, you know, real payment (since apparently we’re stinking rich now), things got a little more complicated.

From what I’ve managed to dig out of them and other people, apparently the guys who now run Planet Motherfucker were contacted by some big-ass mofo with kinda huge macical abilities called the Weaver. He wanted them to find out about supernatural stuff and do some things for him, and they weren’t supposed to deal with politicians and make money at all. Apparently, they didn’t know or remember that. So this Weaver guy got pissed and sent a message, saying we had 24 hours until he pulled the plug on us and had us hunted for being enemies of the state and whatnot.
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Yep, apparently that’s a thing he can do. I could almost live with it if that was all that happened (can you believe it? Some huge magic-guy is threatening to make me an enemy of the state and i can live with it? Strange times.) Well, I have to admit, I got kinda panicky. I mean, until yesterday I thought this was a magazine, and a nice gig (if a bit weird…and the whole strange pictures aspect and the things people can do and look like on my pics…), and suddenly some guy threatens to take my life away just because he’s pissed at what we didn’t know to do???

So yeah, I panicked. I asked them what the Hell was going on. Shaun shrugged, said nobody would believe me anyway, and told me a list of things he thought I should know. Apparently, the world split somehow and they are from the future. Also, the hobos in the bureau next to us are actual Knights of the Holy Grail. “Artie” is King Arthur and runs the whole operation. And they’re all looking for the grail, which is a bottle of Coke they (Planet Motherfucker) found in Arties Backyard and Shaun drank, and Lianne’s Sister which might or might not exist in this version of reality (the one that always shows up in Pictures of Lianne) stole.

What. The. Fuck. Have I gotten into, this sounds logical to me now.

On to further events, the air conditioning and lights went out and we decided to go outside and talk to “our” Knights. Problem: They were kinda dead-ish. At least they were lying down on the floor with big holes in their heads and blood everywhere. I couldn’t even look inside, it was like I was kinda paralyzed with fear…all that blood…I’m getting woozy as I write this.

Worse still: Shaun (did I mention he’s kinda scary?) went inside and checked up on the bodies. Even worse: While he was in there doing things we heard someone say “Long time no see.” Since Shaun went absolutely still, I guess the guy had a weapon or something. I now know that apparently we met Lancelot, who was also looking for the Grail and had nothing better to do than shoot the other three Knights before finishing us off.

Now let me tell you, this Lance is a fucking psychopath. I don’t know how he could just stand there and talk like nothing happened (Shaun too, btw), and I’m pretty sure he didn’t need much of a reason to start shooting at Shaun. So I did the only thing I could think of: I booted up my flash and took a picture the room, shining the light right into Lancelot’s eyes. Then we took off, him cursing and shooting blindly in our direction and whatnot. Luckily for us, he didn’t hit. I think Eddie had disappeared somewhere on his own by that point the office seemed pretty empty. We forgot to take the money.

So we had to go someplace safe, someplace he didn’t know about. We went to the three legged dog (apparently Lance doesn’t know about my existence yet) and had some downtime there. There’s this guy there who always claimed he studied history and could tell the most amazing stories when he was drunk, Dirk. I asked him about Arthur and Lancelot and Bors and Ivanhoe etc, and he told me a lot of stuff about the Knights of the Grail. And about Mordred, who was plotting against Arthur. And about his mother, <insert name here>, who apparently also is mother to Lance. And Lianne’s twin sister who might or might not exist (the one in the picture with the three knights).

Let me tell you Chasey, at some point you just give up and accept the fact that apparently there are over 1000 year old guys on the planet who can do weird stuff with magic and are Knights of the Round Table. It seems thatsa lot of stories are true in one or the other way. I’ll just assume that they all are, that’s a lot easier than trying to doubt my way through life. As someone said: “You take on what looks like a normal job, and suddenly you’re right in the middle of supernatural shit for the next few thousand years and can’t get out again.”

The guy who said that was the guy who hired me for Planet Motherfucker. Talk about irony.

He showed up at some point during the evening, and talked to Dirk. So I never thought about Dirk as anything but a crazy alcoholic nutcase with history background, but he seems to be a lot older than he seems as well. These days, I think everyone knows more about this stuff than I do.

Did I ever tell you what he looked like? I don’t think he did. He runs around like a state trooper, complete with Sunglasses and hat and all. The others knew him from before as well, didn’t tell me much. So we talked to him a bit, and he told us who our boss was (remember, Weaver?).

Yeah. Apparently this guy is something like the “cosmic janitor” — “the one who mops up, closes the old door and opens the new one”. He said that sometimes part of the mopping up is cleaning up people who know too much and didn’t reach their goals — by which he meant us. The positive side of that is that I really had the feeling he wanted to help us but wasn’t allowed (?) or able to give us too much information.

For some reason Shaun got it into his head to ask where the Door to Avalon was. I don’t exactly remember who answered that question, Dirk or the State Trooper, but apparently Peter Pan(!) is in New York and collecting Kids to go to Avalon.

At that, the others told me that Eddie had a vision of a Grey Man who enslaved kids with heavy chains, and that Liannes sister was one of the enslaved ones. And that there’s a kind of desire to stop whatever this guy is doing. Which I can get behind, because there is some stuff you just should’t do to kids, and now that I’m as deep in shit as I already am I might as well try to improve things somewhat.

We asked him what the best steps would be to not be involved in the whole mopping up business, to which he gave us a few options:

  • Las Vegas to make some money (I take that as sarcasm because making money was the Wrong Thing To Do last time)
  • Leave town and go to St Louis (why we’d want that is a bit of a mystery)
  • Go visit Peter Pan in New York
  • Go visit “the three guys” and talk to someone.
  • Go visit Artie.

Three guys? “Apparently Knights don’t die as easily.” Hm. He left pretty quickly after that.

So far we’ve decided to visit Artie’s and look at what’s going on over there, get some more intel and find out what the hell is going on. Then we want to check on the knights in our office and see if they’re really dead or alive. And maybe we’ll find Eddie.

I just hear we’re almost at Artie’s. I’ll stop writing for now.

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